“Help! My Girlfriend Is A Sex Addict!” & Other Trials & Tribulations of 2010 (Part II of III)

Posted on January 24, 2010


(Continued From Pt. I)

A Re-Cap From Last Week’s Episode: Neil is called by Marcus who wants him to want Selena who wants everyone apparently. Neil is cautious and ultimately declines. Little does he know the convolutions and compromises that await him…

But First:

Those “Other Trials & Tribulations” which were mentioned.

Not wanting to be outdone by the past decade’s misery, the year twenty-ten started us off by delivering the rough equivalent of the damage and casualties caused by an atom bomb unto Haiti, because Haiti apparently doesn’t have enough problems.
And of course the world responded, and for a week that was all the world wanted to respond to.
Finally, after eight months, the world had finished feeling guilty about making Michael Jackson’s life hell for the last fifteen years and moved on. Catch that smell, that aroma of bodies being bulldozed into mass graves? That’s what we call the progression of the media. Seventy thousand faceless carcasses are finally given the lime-lit fifteen minutes that a single one with a face has gotten.
Conan O’Brien counted down to the end of his fifteen (thousand) minutes this week, or at least his last on NBC (He’s Conan O’Fucking Barbrien; if he’s not on another network at the end of the month, or boarding the shitty-memoir bandwagon, I will be surprised).
And through all this, all I could think was: “Either this is the best social filibuster to healthcare ever, or they really are going for a world-record in competitive ass-dragging.”

And a few weeks before this, it’s the…

First day of my first college semester in a year. My European history professor, Dr. Donald Barry, he’s preaching from his academic pulpit to his students and telling us how we in this country think we’re the best, think we’re the best, and then when we’re not the best, highlight how fucked up the rest of the world is to maintain our hegemonerection.

I’m paraphrasing, of course.

Dr. Barry begins talking about inequities in society and social treatments to those outside of ourselves in the United States Security Bubble; he begins to talk about this idea, this construct we’ve invented and labeled ‘fairness’: “We give fairness in unfair proportions.” Interesting point.

And also: “…if you have to take a leak or a dump [in his class], just go, goddammit.”

And before I tune out, the last thing I hear him say is “I’m Not Your Typical American.”

Hear, hear, here, here, Doc Barry.

It’s a call of destiny then, that I should receive a text during Dr. Barry’s next class, right after I hear him gloat “I don’t have one of those damn cell phones like you do.” It’s Marcus.

“so about my girl…” is all it says.

I get out of class and I call him back.
I say: “So what about your girl?”
And he says: “Dude, I have another proposition for you…”
And I say: “And…”
And… he says: “I want you to come with us to that Aladdin’s place you like so much, just to talk. Just to… see how you feel afterward.”
And I say that sounds good maybe. If he’s paying.
“Yeah,” Marcus says, “and there’s something else…”
“If something happens, and you and Selena do end up getting it on, just sayin’, hypothetically here… would you feel weird about having an audience?”
I can’t help but laugh.
“Just a little, man.”
I hang up to mirror his hangup and also because at this point, this guy just has to be fucking with me.
But he’s not, because an hour later, I get another message from him.
“You wanna smoke some weed?”

Do I like to breathe oxygen?

“Go on.”
“Friday night. You, me, her. Aladdin’s. I will burn your head up, dawg.”
Against my better judgment but swayed by the Green God, I consent to this meeting, but I have my own peripheral demands.
“So… in the event that you end up fucking, you want my Metal Gear Solid trilogy box set?”
“Well, just the second two games really, my buddy I gave mine to let me keep the first Em-Jee-Ess.”
“And you want… my copy of Videodrome?”
“Yeah dude. That shit is hard to find retail.”
“Also… I want my copy of Afro Samurai back. And if it’s cool, can I borrow your Indiana Jones collection?”
“Borrow or have?”
“Just borrow, I just want to sync up the Raiders Rifftrax again.”
“So yeah… that sounds straight. Also, I want a bag of weed.”
“That’s kinda pushing it… I mean, if it’s that big of a hassle for you to fuck another guy’s hot girlfriend, I’m sure I can find someone else for the job.”
“…How about I go in halfsies with you.”
“We’ll see how Friday night goes over.”

That little voice in the back of your head, not like the voices in the back of mine, I mean the one we all share, a conscience flicking you behind the ear to make you aware when you’re in too deep–

Yeah, I haven’t seen that guy in awhile.

NEXT EPISODE: Will Neil do it? What “audience” did Marcus speak of? Do people even read this blog? Vagina?

All coming soon via The Misadventures of Neil C-K-R